Stuff I have come across while shaping Searching for Julia into an acceptable first draft:
Taking one last look over her shoulder at the scene, Linda shouldered her way through the reporters circling the crowd like vultures, and set off for the police station's car park. -- which shoulder is doing what?
A buxom woman in her mid-fifties, with greying brown hair, bustled into the hall, wiping her hands on a tea-towel. -- I cut out the age reference, because Linda's guesswork there was off.
Linda fumbled for more change, almost dropping the receiver in the process, and a ten pence piece slipped through her fingers and bounced into a corner.
Fumbling for more change, Linda almost dropped the receiver, and a multitude of coins cascaded through her fingers, bouncing into the corners of the phone box. She shoved the two twopences still in her purse hurriedly into the slot. -- the second version seems like a more competent Linda to me.
And lets not forget the section early on when she's driving past the house and sees two paragraphs of detail with no mention of her stopping the car to get a better look. I did have her setting off again, though.
That was all from a second-pass editing run, so I expect there'll be far more fun to be had in the chapters I haven't touched yet.
[ETA:] I need new glasses.